Now that the holidays have passed, it is quite common to reflect on your time with the family you just left. You think about how big your nieces and nephews have gotten since your last visit. You tell everyone the same thing you say every year, “We really need to see each other more often.” As the whole visit runs through your mind, the image of one or both of your aging parents keeps popping up. “Mom didn’t seem herself this time.” “Dad looked older.” “Dad was more withdrawn than usual.” These thoughts happen to countless families every year, and can begin to illicit the breathe-gasping response, “Mom and dad aren’t doing as well as I thought they were.”
This is when phone calls begin to occur between you and your siblings and other relatives, looking for confirmation that what you saw was really what you saw. Of course, there will be some relatives who will say “You are crazy, mom and dad are fine.” “There is nothing wrong, they looked great and were no different than last year.” “You’re over-reacting.” But something just doesn’t sit right with you. Your stomach is telling you something. You start second guessing and doubting yourself. That leads to retrospective searching for other signs and red flags over the past several months. Although others may or may not have noticed a change, you did and that is what is important. From my years of professional experience, the signs are right before your eyes, but you are either unaware or in denial of their presence. Your stomach is probably right.
This can be the beginning of when the family could be more involved. This doesn’t mean it’s time to move across town, panic or start making drastic changes to anyone’s life. Being more engaged can simply be adding a few phone calls a month or visits to the home. By being more connected, you have the opportunity to see what other changes have been taking place. See if what you experienced during the holiday visit was just the result of the natural stress of the holidays or truly a pattern. Being more present, will not only allow you the opportunity spend more time with your parents in general, but also to begin the inevitable full circle process of caring for a loved one.
